Stephanie's Guide to (Inadvertently) Attracting Men

Being married, I feel I must start by saying that all attracting I do of men who are not my husband is entirely accidental, and I cannot be held accountable for my own attractiveness.

Ahem.

Guys are weird. They are a riddle wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a mystery novel, wrapped in mystery meat, wrapped in other mysterious items. And everything we women believe attracts us to men is a lie.

This might seem like a bold claim, but I'm speaking from personal experience here. In recent semesters, I have spent up to an hour and a half in the mornings doing my hair and makeup and making myself presentable, often to no noticeable effect. Zero men were attracted, ladies (aside from my husband, who informs me that I'm always attractive, which is part of why I love him so much). This term, due to a daily morning class that I can barely get myself up for, I've embraced the "hobo" look. And I've managed to attract three men. That's right, count 'em--three. Three men who've told me I'm cute or even beautiful in the past few weeks. Now, three may not seem like a big number, but this is spring term, and the campus is practically empty. If you were to extrapolate based on BYU's normal population, you can estimate that during fall or winter semester, I would have attracted twelve men. And that is a lot.

Through this experience, I've figured out the secret to attracting men, and because I'm a humanitarian, I'm here to share. Ready for my top 3 tips?

Rule #1: ALWAYS wear a baseball cap

According to my experience, this is the SINGLE most important thing that you can do to improve your appearance. I'm not exaggerating when I say that every time anybody has complimented me on my appearance this semester, I've been wearing my BYU baseball hat. And why not? Wearing a baseball hat gives you that carefree, sporty look that (apparently) makes the guys go crazy. A few days ago, I had a guy tell me it made me look "cute." Today, a different guy told me I was "beautiful." In a baseball cap. So go ahead, ladies--make the switch, watch the compliments come rolling in, and feel disgruntled (like I do) that you ever spent more than 2 minutes on your hair.

Rule #2: Makeup is OPTIONAL

That "beautiful" comment that I got today? No makeup whatsoever. So there you go.

Rule #3: Act entirely DISINTERESTED in everything around you

This actually fits in pretty well with the established "hard to get" routine that some girls use, but try taking it to the next level. Already texting while you walk? Try texting with your earbuds in while eating a burrito. The sheer multitaskiness of it all shows the boys that you're really not interested in anything they might be doing or thinking, thus drawing their compliments and conversation like flies.

So now you have it--the secret to success in attracting guys. Use it wisely, my friends. As for me, I think I'm going to spend a little more time getting ready in the morning. I just can't handle all of this attention.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

As I'm sure everyone's already aware, the end of the world is due to happen any minute now. For reasons I still don't understand, I've decided to spend these last few minutes of precious life blogging. As luck would have it, I came down with a fever last night, so I also have to spend my last day of life feeling generally sick and rotten. Being sick has also interfered with some of my other end-of-life goals.

"You can't eat that," Chris objected, snatching a fun-sized Milky Way out of my hands. "You're sick! Chocolate is bad for you when you're sick."

"I'm not that sick," I protested in between bouts of coughing and shivering, reaching for the candy bar that was being held just out of reach.

"Yes you are," he said, placing the coveted candy on the highest shelf in the kitchen. "No chocolate until you're better."

"But Chris!" I exploded. "It's the end of the world! You're interfering with my final chance to eat chocolate in this lifetime!"

"Fine," he replied, "how about this? If there's an earthquake at 4 pm today, you get to eat the chocolate bar."

I was concerned that I'd be too busy running for my life to retrieve the candy from the shelf, so we struck a compromise. In case of an earthquake, the Milky Way is now sitting within arm's reach on the counter. I guess I have something to look forward to if the Rapture starts.

UPDATE: Turns out, we didn't get an earthquake. I ate the Milky Way anyway.

Mr. Tomato Shake

"I'm going to have to buy a tomato," Chris announced the other day at the grocery store.

Let me preface this by saying that Chris and I both hate tomatoes. In fact, one of our first "meant to be" moments when we were dating happened at a Pleasant Grove sandwich shop. We didn't see each other order, but when our food came up, we found out that we'd both ordered the same thing--roast beef without tomatoes. I know, destiny, right? So it was a little strange to hear Chris announce his begrudging desire for a tomato, and I responded with revulsion.

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"I need to eat healthier," he defended himself, which is true. He's been sick a lot recently, so he's decided to change his diet to include less sugar and fat and more fruits and vegetables in an attempt to get more healthy, which I'm all for, but still...

"Yeah, but... tomatoes?"

"I'm not eating them plain--I'm mixing them up with other things," he said. I considered this. It didn't sound much more appealing.

"You mean, like... into a shake?" I asked dubiously.

"Sort of," he conceded, and I blinked.

"Wait, you're actually making a health shake? You seriously are?" This was perfect. This was brilliant. I've been on a few health kicks since we got married, buying everything from quinoa to vegan cookbooks, and Chris has teased me mercilessly through it all. However, I've never gone so far as to make those "green" shakes that people make sometimes, mostly because I've seen the shakes that my friend brings to school sometimes, and I don't understand how she can drink them--the smell alone makes me never want to eat again. And now Chris was making himself a health shake? It was too good an opportunity to pass up.

"So... are you going to get some spinach to go with that shake?" I asked, pointing to random produce items as we passed them by, including some I had to look at their labels to identify. "How about these turnips? How about this kohlrabi?"

From that point on, Chris couldn't get anything remotely unhealthy without me being the so-called "angel" on his shoulder.

"You can't get those tortillas," I said, a little gleefully. "Look at all the extra ingredients and preservatives!"

"They're just tortillas," he protested. "How bad for you can they be?"

"So says Mr. Tomato Shake."

Though I was having fun teasing him, at the same time I wanted to try and encourage this new health thing he had going, so every now and then I tried to be helpful.

"Have you looked up recipes?" I asked him, eying the growing array of produce with mild concern--I wasn't quite sure how some of it would taste in a shake. "I mean, this has been done before. You could at least look at some recipes to get some ideas about what goes good together, you know?"

"Oh, are there recipes, Stephanie?" he asked in mock surprise, and I decided I was done being helpful.

"Hey Mr. Tomato Shake, are you sure you want to buy that full-fat sour cream?"

When we got home, I watched him assemble his concoction in our little Magic Bullet blender as I cut up chicken for fajitas. He put in some tomato, carrots, onion, green peppers, and avocado. He also put in some sour cream and cayenne pepper, which I thought was strange for a shake, but I didn't comment on it. When the whole thing was done blending, I peered over his shoulder to view the results.

"I don't see how you're supposed to drink that," I said. "It looks more like chip dip or something. Maybe you should add some ice?"

"It is chip dip," he said, grabbing a bag of tortilla chips.

"Wait, what? You said it was a shake!" I accused.

"No, you asked if it was a shake and I said 'sort of,'" he corrected me, which seemed very unfair. Chip dip is not "sort of" a shake.

"But I thought it was a shake all night long! I've been teasing you about it!" I protested.

"I know," he said, heading to the couch to sit down with his snack. "It's been making me laugh all night long, actually."

So... I guess the joke was on me? I was a little bugged, but I did try some of that chip dip.

It was delicious. Go figure.

Spring has sprung

There will not be a single YouTube video in this post! Impressive, huh?

Winter semester is over (thank goodness!) and I have since moved on to the much nicer, prettier, and less stressful spring term. I absolutely love BYU in the spring. All of those people who leave Provo in the middle of April probably have no idea that our wintry campus is actually capable of attaining beauty, which is kind of a shame, because if they could only stay a few weeks longer... BAM! Flowers! Beauty! Most of the blossoms are finally starting to fall off the trees now, but for a while there the whole campus smelled like perfume... except for right in front of the administration building, where they planted those smelly trees whose blossoms smell like dog food. Why do people plant those, anyway?

My Italy trip is fast approaching, which is also exciting. For a couple months during the winter it was hard to get excited, because it seemed so far away, and all I could think about was that I was really going to miss Chris, and it hadn't really sunk in yet that I was actually going... but something about sending in my last tuition payment and figuring out everything from luggage to confusing Italian train schedules has made it finally sink in that I'm actually going, and I'm excited! For me, half of the fun is in the planning, and I'm having the time of my life figuring out weekend trips to Venice, Rome, Switzerland, and Paris. My apartment in Florence also comes with a kitchen, so I'm picking out all of the most promising recipes from my copy of Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking to make while I'm there. And... well, I'd rather not say how many times I've listened to the Italy section of Eat, Pray, Love. Let's just say it's a lot. And that I know where I'm buying my pizza in Naples now.

I guess I'll end this post by posting some sketches? I've always had trouble motivating myself to keep a sketchbook, so I'm taking a Sketchbook class this term, and my teacher suggested that I buy a smaller sketchbook, which is apparently exactly what I needed. It's not so hard to fill the page on a small sketchbook, so you feel like you're able to actually finish a drawing. Plus, drawing so small has made me realize how much I love making tiny, postcard-sized ink drawings. Who knew?